Apr. 17th, 2015

ataori: (fly like paper:)
There is a wild thing inside of me.
She is a cruel mistress, she is out of control.

I don't know what to do with her anymore. 

She does not mean to harm, but does it anyway-- selflessly, uncaring. She stops me before I get to the good part, she pushes me towards the ending that isn't good, nor bad, just neutral. "You aren't worth it," she whispers into my ear, smiling as she holds my shoulders in a loose grip.

The hairs on my neck stand, and I inhale sharply. My fists tighten. Because she does not own me. 

Someday, I will run. I will be okay. I will be free. I will learn again, I will leave the beasts behind.

The beast that lives within me, with me, underneath my bed, among the dust and boxes and wanderlust. She is there. But I am better, better than her.
ataori: (sometimes)
 I wish I could draw.

I wish I could paint the sunsets I see everyday as I peer out of my window, hovering 26 stories above this great and complicated city.
I wish I could trace the lines of those flower petals perfectly, each imperfect crinkle and cut, each graceful curve as they bend against each other like parabolas.
I wish I could capture the shadows that graze my the skin of my hips, that turn out rather than in, 

I wish I could breathe easier, I wish I could tell someone I was struggling.
(And I can, but I don't want to. Not now, not yet, not ever.)

I wish there was a place I could go to be alone, to relax and breathe with a cup of something steaming, and paper at my fingertips.

I wish there was a mind that thought of me, a hand that wanted to give me flowers, too.

I wish there was someone who could grasp my shoulders, fingers that would trace my collarbones and my spine. 
I wish I could care less for that mindset. I wish I was less bothered so that I would not be worrying about these feelings, about wanting them, about why I cannot have them just yet.

I wish everything would just go away, sometimes.

I just want to be me again.


Apr. 17th, 2015 05:20 pm
ataori: (Default)
i've got to live my life now, not later.

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