This post is long, long overdue.

I think I've thought about sitting down to write this more than a dozen times. The amount of times that I've actually done it? Once, maybe twice. And I never finished. Because I didn't know if the things I had to say were safe. For me, for the internet, for the eyes that may come across this blog by accident-- and maybe sometimes, not by accident (and if you are here, then hello!). Unsafe, because they aren't exactly things that I want to talk about, that I like talking about. But there are reasons why we were given lips to speak with, hands to write with. And so I will think. And I will think, and think, and think, about these things, about the darkness that has plagued my mind for so long, that have shrouded my thoughts and perceptions of the world, and made things i once thought to be beautiful, into things I would associate with fear. 

Because something happened today. And I never saw it coming, not like this, never like this. No one did. No one had second thoughts before going to bed last night about the things they should have said. But time stops for no one, and fears nothing, and sometimes it will take from us the things that we care for the most. Someone matters to me, who matters to him, and so many others in this world. He was our student council president in Elementary School. I remember voting for him. I wonder why I ever doubted him-- maybe it was because he was so small. Back then, I wondered, "How can someone this small carry so much responsibility?", because Elementary School was a big deal, you know. I voted anyways. I trusted him. And he would come to love one of the most important people from my childhood. I hope their love was good-- i'm sure it was, she is so bright, you're bound to be happy with her. (And you did, you did so well, I hope you're at peace. I hope it's warm where you are, because the world as it is right now is so cold, and I'm sorry you had to leave it in that way, you don't deserve this, you didn't)

Maybe I'm so afraid of this world for more than its erratic movements, its uncertainty, its mystery. Maybe I'm afraid of it because it isn't a world that makes me proud of being me yet-- and I hate this, I hate making this about me... but this blog, all of it, is also me, it's all of me, all of my secrets, and not-so-secrets anymore, here, so bear with me for a bit, okay? There are so many things that I want.... but do I really need them anymore? No, I have all the things that are important to me-- a beautiful family, a caring mother and father, the best friends I could ever ask for, acquaintances who would reach out their hands if they ever saw that I had fallen on the ground. What am I so afraid of? I love them, I love, and love, and love them, so much. I'm so proud to call them mine. This is me. I am me. All of this. And that's okay. Maybe it isn't right now, when things aren't going in the right direction, but life will turn, as time will turn, and we'll have to run fast, so we can keep up, but it's a part of living. Changing your pace to suit your own story. And I still have time to write mine. And I will, and it'll be gorgeous, it's going to be so beautiful. I wish yours was written a little bit longer. But short stories, long stories, all of them... are words. Are you, are me. And they are so important. And they make this world, create it. With the memories, with the illustrations, with the jokes, the anecdotes, the tearjerking moments. We are all the authors of a great adventure. I still wish I could write better. I wish my words were as colorful as the images in my mind when I think of them. Sometimes I'm not in the best place, washed over in darkness, in water as thick as paint and dark as ink. But I have hands, and these hands can pull, and push, and touch, and hold, and write, and hug, and create. I want to create. I want to love, I want to live. I know I can. I've got hands. And these hands have got hands, too. 

We'll be okay.

I'll try to believe less, and believe more. In the right things. In this world, in morning sunrises, in the light, in Skype calls, and hand holding. And in adventure. Where there is hope, there is ability... and it's beautiful. 

Hello! It's been awhile. I haven't been writing-- maybe because I haven't had anything to write about, but I just thought that tonight, even if it's a short piece, I would like to try again, and see if something good comes out of it.

It's so wonderful when you see two people in love; when you see two people falling into it, when you see two people basking in its goodness, Even parting is beautiful, the bittersweet kind. I would like to know it, to finally understand. There is a boy, whose heart doesn't make me do flips, but he makes my knees weak, and turns the word "nervous" into "tired", and has a thousand-watt smile, and the kindest demeanor. He's so good. I wonder if he would ever be willing to be good to me. I know that I'd give him what I could, cherish him as much as I trusted myself to, explore the world, ourselves, learn more about me, as a person, as someone who can finally be proud of who I am.

I've changed a lot since this year began. I'm learning to love myself; I've been taking baby steps, but they've definitely gotten me somewhere, and I'm so thankful for it. It feels so good to be able to say, "there's no one I'd rather be, than me" alongside the villains in Wreck it Ralph. And as I embrace myself, I also long for the embrace of another, though not to the extent that it is dramatic. 

For the first time, though, I'd like to try. I want something, anything to happen, and if not, there is another lesson learned! Sometimes it has to be done the hard way... but at least, it is 'done'.

 Sometimes I forget how far I've come, when recalling all of the wonderful things I've seen in my days as a younger child. Great stone formations in China, green-tinged rivers set in stone, carrying flower petals downstream, red bridges, dragons eyes, the sound of traffic, a maze of cars, crying out for my family in supermarkets and city centres, treks through forests and unkept promises of ponies, one-of-a-kind views in the morning accompanied by sunny-side-up eggs, holding hands with friends and climbing up giant statues... these are only a few of the great memories I hold within my heart. They are all there, I know it-- at least I'd like to, because I do not ever want to forget.

A song came up today; Joe Hisaishi's "Summer" from the film Kikujiro. I was pleasantly surprised by my abilities to recognize a song that meant so much to me in my younger days, alongside my slow but sure improvement in reading hangul. The story of "Kikujiro no Natsu" goes something like this; a boy finds a photograph of his mother, someone he's never known, and her current home address, and decides (on his own) to go searching for him. Before he leaves, he meets his neighbor and his wife, a sour man who equips a scowl and crosses his arms often. Kikujiro-ojisan wears button downs and slacks and is definitely not cut out for a month-long babysitting job. His wife puts him up to it anyways. And so off they go, to find young Matsuo's mother, but things are not as they seem, and they return home empty-handed... or, perhaps, not as unfulfilled as we assume they may be? 

Truly a profound film with a firm, quiet, sad, between unsettling and not message. I remember watching it once with my mother, wondering if she understood it, because I definitely didn't. It wasn't a film for a kid my age, at the pinnacle of my years before transcending into teenager-dom. Still too young, but I thought I was already so big. I'd like to see it again. Maybe then it'll stand out to me in the way that it meant to; fully, completely, itself, with me understanding, finally, after a long time. 

I've been suffering from a lack of inspiration... I see emotions, I feel for others, but I haven't really felt that much within myself. It's been a while since I've stirred with excitement for another, since my heart ached for someone else's loss, since my fingers burned and tingled with love and passion and excitement and confusion. What is this? It feels somewhat like... impotency, if I'm being over-dramatically honest, haha. I wonder... when will it go away... I know for one that I'd really like to feel something again... 

It's been awhile. I'm on summer holidays, waiting for the humid heat to transform into a plane ticket back to time and fallen leaves. Then this trip will just be another visit home, another fragment of the past... I wish it was easier to live in the present, to come back to this present, that now, after a second, has suddenly become the past... with each letter I press, I am writing alongside time, I am making history, to some extent...?

Huh... I just want to feel again. Any advice? On finding one's heartburn... I am currently lacking in that department, I think...

(Wow, way to be up front!)

I was told once by a friend that, if you ever need to take the time to be by yourself, or to think a little, or maybe to breathe (and not like the everyday breathe, but actually breathe), then you should bring yourself to a cafe and sit there, without anything, no technology, no people. just yourself. And i'm not too far from my familiar place, nor am I without technology (here I sit, on my laptop, with my headphones on, listening to Clara C sing me into the stars and what lies beyond this universe). 

It's amazing how many familiar faces you can come across when standing still. Despite being in such a big city-- surely one that is bigger that me myself-- I still come across those who I have formed connections with in one way or another. I watch as families interact, I watch as people drag their heels across across the glistening asphalt (what are they thinking, I wonder? What inner struggles are they fighting today? Perhaps today is different... perhaps it is a better day than others). 

But of course, not everything is perfect. Just earlier today, I saw a rugged old lady shouting at a helpless clerk for the way her bread was being cut-- what a menial little thing to be cross at! I am learning more and more about life and other people every day. America is very, very different from back home...

Speaking of, I'll be back in a little while. Huh. So many things to do before then, though. I will be patient.

I don't know how mother is doing in the hospital today. Hopefully she is doing much, much better... I miss her. 

This cafe is really everything I've wanted in a long, long time. I must come here again, to be alone, to spend time with strangers. 

 Here is the reality of the situation;

The truth is that there are places that you cannot be sometimes, because you are miles away trying to turn dreams into goals.

The truth is that there are people who will not cooperate, but always know that they are doing so not willingly, but because sometimes, time does not cooperate, and over being upset, you must be patient, and understanding, and kind, and willing to learn. You must support them-- for inner monsters they have fought and some battles may not have been won.

The truth is that there are people who do things that you do not understand, and may never understand. Realize that these people are their own people, and they work in their own ways, and have gotten along up until now, so what says that you cannot either?

The truth is that everybody goes through bouts of pain-- but these memories, though they will always linger, will always be a backdrop against which beautiful memories tend to shine. You will pull through. You always do. So does everyone else. 

We always do.

The truth is that you will doubt yourself-- and look at you, you are doing it right now, you do not believe that what someone has told you was true, that it came from his heart, but what you must do is believe in him. Trust his words, for he is someone you admire, and respect, and want to understand, and to do so, you must learn to trust, and in turn trust yourself. You are good. You were never ba. You are always trying... so keep doing it.

For our sake. For their sake, back home. For his sake, for her sake, for the sake of everyone around you. For those who call you a friend-- for those whom you call a friend, too. But most of all...


Please, do it for me.

Do it for you.

"To me nothing in the world is impossible. Good night. Goodbye. To me, nothing in the world is impossible. Evening. Cold air. Sunset. The sea. Sea breeze. Hair. Cloudy skies. Rain. Sun. Stimuli. Skin. Memories.

To me, nothing in the world is impossible! Good night."

Good night, sweet prince.