square rooms

 It's been awhile!

There have been many things that I've been wanting to say. For some reason, I kept putting things off... is it because my fingers are getting lazy? I don't want to type anything-- or rather, it's more like i don't want to make an effort-- but because of that, my heart is staying closed... it's hard to breathe, it's about to burst, but not like that, not in a romantic way or anything... it's a little painful, really. So let's start with right now. 

Right now, I'm scared......

Because of my beliefs, because of the future, because of things that should be working out but aren't....
Because of my irresponsibility....

Because I just want to go home...

(Exo keeps telling me to stop crying, but the tears keep falling, because seeing them cry, that's ten times worse for me, you know? Haha....)

I feel sick. And I'm terrified. Of a lot of things. I feel like I just escaped from a monster, big and dangerous, only to be met not even three months later with one twice as big, and twice as terrifying, but this time, I don't have the strength to fight, because once again, I don't believe in myself. And there's nothing I can do. And I want to throw up, I want to let it out somehow, but there's no way, because things that you see once, hear once, feel and think once, they never leave you, they're always there. And i'm here, sitting with toxins inside my stomach and poison running through my veins, unable to think clearly because my mind is always elsewhere. And it's so, so scary, 

because I want to be somewhere else, I just want to fly away
but I can't. And I'm trapped. And it's terrifying.

Not even words can tell you how scared I am... How worried.. you'll never be able to feel what's in me right now, all this confusion, and pent up anger and frustration, and worry, and hope, there's still a little bit of hope, but it's losing this fight, because it isn't easy....

There are so many things I want to do. To touch, to see, to feel. Hands I want to hold, skin I want to touch. I have so may regrets, so many sorry's that still need to be said. So won't you let me live?

Can't I live? For just a day more, and then a few more, and then a week, then a year, then ten years, then forever... Can't you let me live, like that...? Please?

I just want to live. 

I want to believe that...... I want to breathe......

Please, just let me breathe?