Apr. 29th, 2015

ataori: (fly like paper:)
Hello, it's been awhile! I know I've been gone for quite some time... and I know I vowed to write something once a day, too... but maybe once a week is good, because at least it's still a recurring amount. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately... but a lot of them require less thinking. I don't know why things aren't being processed in my mind nowadays. Am i being distracted by something? Where does my heart lie? Where does my head lie? Are my thoughts just unhealthy...? How can I concentrate better? Perhaps I have to start working more and sleeping more... but how do I get started?

These are a few questions that I have. But they aren't about love yet-- I'll get to that eventually. Just give me a second.  

Today while studying for Macroeconomics I realized that John probably has a bunch of wonderful study techniques. I wish I could nab them from him somehow, but I don't ever know if he'll take me seriously at all. If I tell him that I need help desperately, maybe he will...? Is there a way to get that out of him? I wonder.

Olivia is growing distance and it's frightening me, a little... I don't want to lose a precious friend like her. I read something awhile ago, where a girl said that her greatest fear was for the person who fell in love with her to fall out of love for the same exact reason he fell in love. Do you know what I am saying? It's like becoming a star that has lost its luster... I have not been as nice to people as I feel like I should be. I have lost myself in something... and I'm still trying to recover my missing pieces.

I wonder what will happen when I do? If I do? God, I hope I do... soon... I'm tired of this "me"... I want the old "me" back...

And here we are, finally, to the questions about love. Today I asked Stove for advice, and he gave surprisingly good ones. I took a chance, and luckily enough, got one in return. I don't know if I'm doing anything wrong... but it's like what Michelle said. Love should be comfortable. Don't let your lover make you insecure, don't let them give you all the wrong feelings when everything when you're with them should just feel so right. You heard it from Stove, too. It's good having somebody with you who is similar to you... and I think he is, in some ways. I want to get to know him more. I Hope he gets to know me more, too... Maybe something will happen... but is it wrong to be afraid of what exactly that "something" may be?

Because I don't see myself standing on my tiptoes, wrapping my arms around his neck and breathing into his skin. I don't see that, and yet, I wouldn't mind...

Oh gosh... what am I doing...? 

Am I falling in love, then? And am I doing this right?

There's that thing, that bubble stuck in my throat, there's something I want to let out.. I'll wait for the thought to process, and I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Goodnight xx

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